you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
