I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
