U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
