Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
