I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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