brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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