Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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