For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
