Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's shark week go big or go home
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
