He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We have started to decorate penises.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
