would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
