I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
