i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
