Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize
