Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
