How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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