I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
