I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
