1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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