im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
