you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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