I haven't been this sober since birth.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
