i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You pole danced in your parka.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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