Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
