my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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