you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
