So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
