Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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