He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
