I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
