she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm bleeding and have questions
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