Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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