I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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