she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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