Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
