Can i not drive my cunt home
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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