apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
