My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
