I wish I could teleport
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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