Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
