I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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