I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
