Even the bartender felt bad for me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
