Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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