So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
