I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
