Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
