I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
