Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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