I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
