just come out here and I will go home with you...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
