Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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