I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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