you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
