if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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