Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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