Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
